Dear Customer,
We at Local Business Inc. appreciate receiving the feedback you have so graciously shared with several of our cashiers, the shift manager, and the delightful homeless veteran who plays the banjo across the street from our establishment. We have also enjoyed receiving your emails and Facebook posts. They are a daily dose of joy for all of our staff.
We understand you’re a working American with a 9 to 5 job, and that you cannot frequent our establishment as much as you would like because we close our doors promptly at 6:00 PM on weekdays and traffic just sucks. We are sorry these hours inconvenience you, and we know how enthusiastic you are to patronize our business. So we have put together some suggested steps you could take to assist us in keeping our doors open late like the Walmarts and the Targets.
Step 1: Open an Affordable Childcare Center With Evening and Weekend Hours
As much as our cashiers would love to stay past 5 PM to cater to your needs, those pesky childcare facilities and schools close at a time that is convenient for business workers (hardworking 9-to-5vers like yourself). Even though our cashiers are just dying to sell you our products, they need to go pick little Johnny or Janey up from daycare or they might be charged a late fee on top of the already absurd amount of money they’re paying for their child to be watched by people who are competent enough not to kill their kid in a place that isn’t A) an abestos-lined basement or B) an unlicensed death trap.
You seem to be a dedicated, albeit childless, person, so perhaps you could facilitate the creation of a quality, childcare facility that has evening and weekend hours as well as options to help parents if little Johnny or Janey gets a case of the barfs. If our employees knew their children were in good hands, they would be more than happy to assist you in the evening hours.
Step 2: Launch A Healthcare Plan Our Business Can Afford
We might be able to fulfill your request if we cut our employees’ health benefits and paid sick days. They are very resourceful individuals. No doubt they would figure out how to navigate the long lines and the stream of paper work required to get Medicaid benefits they could only use at three clinics in our fair city. Our employees are so dedicated, they would never let something as minor as Swine flu or a drug-resistant Staph infection keep them from coming to work.
Yet we’ve found giving customers the flu is not great for business. Also, our employees are less productive when they’re sick. So we decided to cough up the cash to keep them healthy. If you could start a healthcare plan that allows us to spend less cash, or even lobby for a universal healthcare system that is paid into by everyone, then we could definitely keep our doors open late enough for you to wander in after a few drinks with your work buddies.
Step 3: Let Us Raise Our Prices
You’re a hardworking American, and we know you deserve the very best for each of those dollars you earned with your blood, sweat, and carpal tunnel syndrome. We know you have the capacity to bargain hunt until your eyes bleed, and that you’ll run into the arms of the Internet should we dare to raise our prices much higher than the prices of our competitors.
The Amazons and eBays of the business world don’t have these obnoxious sales taxes to collect or premium storefront rents to pay, so our prices are always going to be a bit higher. But if you promised to resist the two-day-shipping urge of Amazon Prime and keep buying our products even if we raised our prices well above the amount you would spend on that one-click Amazon buy, then we could definitely extend our hours to see more of your lovely smiling face in our store at 9 PM.
We value your dedication to the local business cause immensely and hope you will help us turn these suggestions into reality so that we can better serve your needs.
Or perhaps you could quit comparing us to the DMV and visit us during our weekend hours.
Warm Regards,
The Owner and Employees Of Your Favorite Local Business
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