My Adverse Relationship With Coffee

IckThat face. That’s me discovering my trail mix contained chocolate-covered espresso beans. Said trail mix was unceremoniously launched into the trash.

Me and coffee don’t get along. I resent coffee for smelling so delicious yet tasting so unbearably bad. Coffee smells like heaven in a cup, but tastes like someone roasted chalk over a fire. And YES, I have tasted chalk through a childhood dare. I can say unequivocally that it’s a horrible way to get more minerals in your diet.

People keep telling me coffee is an acquired taste like beer or whiskey. Yet beer has some substance to it and hops smell just as bitter as they taste. I’d rather eat a bowl of hops than consume a cup of glorified bean water.

The acidity bugs me too. Folks say I can overcome that by putting milk and sugar in the coffee. I feel like that would only work if the barista poured me a glass of sugar milk and added a sprinkle of coffee on top. And at that point, can you really call it coffee anymore?

The one perk of coffee is…well…the perkiness you get from drinking it. The buzz is intense, yet it helps me focus. Alas, I can’t really enjoy the focus if I feel like an acid-tongued worm is carving a hole in my stomach. Plus, coming off the buzz can set off a migraine measurable on the Richter scale.

I don’t think I’ll honestly ever understand the appeal of coffee. Even if my body were compatible with it, I’m not sure I would drink it. Something about starting my day with a beverage that tastes like liquid campfire is just beyond weird to me.

Now if you’ll excuse me. I’m gonna go make a pot of tea.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *